Confessions of a Flirty Chick by Firefly

Confession #10: I love one-liners. Who else does? Here are some good ones I found at http://www.tech-sol.net/humor/one-liner.htm

By women about men: (these are all 100% true, sorry guys!)
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men an government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know .... it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get,
and how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the
stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

By men about women: (girls, don't we all know these AREN'T true?)
Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? Their target audience is women.

What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomanic 18 year old girlfriend.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

Why do women have mid-life crises? Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to.

How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Sex, stupidity.

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift? Trade her in for two 20 year olds.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks.

Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera? Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.